Ordered Steps: Guided by The Divine

Confusion has GOT to be the Devil's greatest weapon.

There have been many times in my life when I've felt confused, torn between two decisions, or just downright lost. I'm grateful that my Faith has kept me sane - and kept my steps ordered. When it seems like I have no clue what to do, He always seems to guide my feet.

In 2001, nearly 10 years ago now, I ventured away from my close-knit family and the comforts of my home in California, which was all I ever knew, and experienced higher education - and, let's face it, LIFE - at Howard University in Washington, DC. No blog post could ever sum up this experience. It was life-changing and I'm convinced that I would have never grown as much had I stayed home and attended UCLA, which was a very real possibility for me. Moving away and attending Howard was a really good decision.

I stayed in DC after finishing school and took a job in line with my Political Science major, working as a Writer-Editor for a DC government agency. I'll never forget how difficult this decision was for me - Take the job that was already on the table for me, or move back to LA and try my luck at home? I remember making a list of "pros and cons" with one of my best friends right after graduation to decide what I should do. I'd be lying if I said that the relationship I was in at the time didn't have huge bearing on my decision-making. I was in love and I was also afraid that, by moving back in with either of my parents, I would lose the independence I'd become so accustomed to. So I took the job. And as a consequence,I was undervalued, bored at work and under-paid. Sound like I made a bad choice? Not at all.

Those were probably two of the most exciting and carefree years of my life. I traveled a lot (just because) and my crew and I were quite the DC Socialites. I dated plenty and learned more and more about myself. I wasn't bogged down by huge responsibilities fresh out of college, but instead I was able to truly enjoy being extremely young and, well, free. So in the end, it was a good decision.

Fast forward to 2007. At this point, I was actually ready for the responsibilities I once relished not having in my current position at the time. I was stagnant at the Department and I knew it. I needed a challenge and I wouldn't be being true to myself if I limited myself to a government job (Not knocking government employees, but it was NOT for me). So I began my job search and stumbled upon an exciting ad for a start-up software company looking for talent to help expand the Norwegian-born company's US operations. And the field? Media, communications, sales - right up my alley! And so came another life-changing decision - pack up and move to Atlanta for this new career opportunity, or continue my job search in the DC area, where I was already comfy cozy?

You probably guessed it - I went for it. And as a result, I actually established an amazing career, one that has taught me skills I would have otherwise paid a business school a hundred grand to teach me. One that has taken me from all over the United States to Norway, to Jamaica, to London and back. One that has been rough at times, but all for the purpose of my own growth and development. And now I have the privilege of being senior with the company, having been here nearly since its inception in the US and making a name for myself among top executives. So it's safe to say that my time in Atlanta brought out the business woman in me. (I had a blast as well). Most importantly, tapped into my music more than ever before and truly developed as an artist. So yea, Atlanta was a good decision.

And then came New York. Even in all its grandeur and worldwide appeal, this was yet again a very difficult choice for me. Conquering the Big City was intimidating. Leaving my best friend and confidante and a very comfortable lifestyle in Atlanta for the struggles that awaited in me in the Capital of the World, was not an abrupt decision. But when presented with the opportunity to enter a new role, more money, and a burgeoning division in the company, I prayed about it, as I've done with every major life decision. And God spoke to me in various ways to show me that he was giving me the green light. I had a sneaking suspicion that greatness would be at my fingertips in New York, far beyond the career I was moving for. And it has come to pass. Doors have been swinging open musically and God has shown me that my job may very well have been merely the vessel by which I would arrive at the place that would carry me to my destiny as a Songstress. Because everybody knows...I just wannna sing. :)

I knew in my heart that New York was a good decision. So here I am now. And so far, yep...So good :)

Out for the Count

I didn't see it comin
So it caught me so off guard
I didn't feel me slippin
So I end up fallin hard
And now I'm down
Can't turn around
I'm out for the count

He came into my life subtlely and unexpectedly. I never ever saw this coming. Never even considered the possibility. And even when I finally did, it was too complicated to think through.

So I tried to suppress it. Tried to ignore the fact that his mind fascinates me...his talent captivates me...his spirit welcomes me...his energy becomes me.

He is different from any man I've ever loved. And that's what I love the most.

He has taught me so much already. About myself. About life. About love.

I'm scared to death of the consequences, but I feel like leaping. I've been knocked down and I don't want to get up.

Just leave me be. Leave me in his arms, in his hold, in his honest grasp. If this is supposed to be a fleeting moment, well then I want to take a photograph.

He has awakened me. And now, I am sleepless...

He Who Is Worthy

Life is crazy, isn't it? One minute you think you know where you're going and what you're doing and then something happens to throw your "plans" off track. In no other human experience is this more true than in love and relationships...

I started out the cusp of 2010 in Atlanta, happy and intrigued with a man I met and was looking forward to getting to know better and better. I was actually really upset that I was leaving him and the insane bond we were developing. We both were. But I made a commitment to my career, so I was whisked away to New York City for a new opportunity, a new life experience and, surprisingly, I was more single than I'd been in years.

Coming to The Big Apple as a young, professional, single, mid-twenties woman was very exciting to say the least. I was truly an adult now - my own money, my very own place for the first time in my life (no roommate) and no real baggage or attachments to speak of. I embarked on everything "New York City" - Broadway plays, Alvin Ailey Company Ballets, ferry rides on the Hudson, amazingly titillating and trendy restaurants, museums, open mics, sexy lounges, boisterous nightlife and way too many people that I didn't know last year. *ahem* Way too many men that I didn't know last year.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. I could very well write a book on my dating experiences in New York in the last six months. After being with the same person for 5 years and being emotionally cautious (ok I'll admit it - emotionally defunct) in my recovery from that relationship, I think I subconsciously decided it was time to explore. And that I did.

From the old friend who became the new lover, to trying to hold together a very long distance bond nearly to the point of impossibility, to acting on my attractions over my intuition, to getting caught up in a crazy unexpected love triangle of sorts - I think it's safe to say that I managed to catch up on all that I'd been "missing" when I was in a committed relationship all those years. And you know what that was? Not a damned thing.

I am the type of woman who should be with one man. Sex and the City life is not for me. I know that about myself. That's why I stick it out through hard times when I am in love with someone. I am devoted and loyal, committed by nature and faithful by choice....and I have a hunch that many women are like this as well.

The whirlwind that has been my dating and love life this year has shown me that this "one man" selection process AIN'T. NO. JOKE. There are things I will never compromise, never accept, never "just deal" with (and I had to actually scold myself for some of the things I've allowed as of late). But a very wise someone, thankfully, reminded me who I was, what I stand for and who God destined Me to be. So while I have no regrets about the new names in my diary this year, the lessons are aplenty.

Three things I have learned about myself in 2010 so far?

1. I absolutely love London and may very well have been British in another lifetime;

2. I have an affinity for the acoustic guitar and don't really know a reason why I haven't made it a part of my music after all these years; and

3. I'm happy to remain single for as long as I have to be, if it means I won't be settling.

I'm a Free Spirit who demands the Best just as much as I demand myself to give my own Best to he who is worthy. Because I've glimpsed it, felt it, breathed it, touched it, tasted it, LIVED it....I am forever (gratefully) marred.

Last Night.....

I was awakened by a 2:30 phone call. It was a not-so-old flame, and he was professing his love. Mind you, we DO NOT speak anymore. We went our separate ways months ago, and there have been oceans between us ever since.

At first I thought he was just calling because he is about to come back to the States, and maybe he was going to try to have his cake and eat it too again. But it was a very interesting conversation. The “girlfriend” that now exists never came up, just mistakes he's made regarding me and how he feels about me and how HE feels those feelings will “never change” (I begged to differ). He was like, “CC, I will be in the audience at your wedding, still loving you.” I was pretty speechless. Then he joked that he promises he won’t object to the union. LOL

He said he keeps up with my life via Twitter (haha) and there isn’t one night he goes to bed without reading my timeline. He also said that his life is “different” without me in it. He didn’t really elaborate on that, but for some reason, it gave me some satisfaction. I mean we were close friends for 6 years, never went very long without speaking, even during my long relationship. So it was sad that we ended like that, but I guess because it wasn’t my fault, I was easily able to push him out of my mind and heart. Good to know it wasn’t easy for him.

What he and I had, especially last year when I really became vulnerable to him, is gone. I don’t even feel the same anymore, BUT I’m glad he called me and that I talked to him because I can say that I now have peace with that situation. I admit I was a bit bitter towards him, but now I can just accept him for the flawed human being that he naturally is, without necessarily holding it against him. I’ve learned that I will never accept or ignore my man “cheating” like a lot of women do, NOR would I EVER accept being the “other woman.” So at least I have to thank him for confirming my strength in that way.

Sometimes those who hurt us can contribute the most to our personal growth…I’m keeping hope alive, I STILL believe in LOVE!